eldritch romance

and it wasn’t as easy as I wanted.

I hate anything that starts with ”for the first time in my life I’ve started doing (x).” Or maybe I don’t hate it——I’m just slightly annoyed by it. But the truth is, I’ve finally established a consistent writing routine (it’s been four months since I’ve implemented a new system) and it’s going well. Life at home is good. One of my dogs is currently in remission from her cancer (first positive vet news we’ve had in years), my marriage is truly fulfilling, I’ve stabilized my hormone dysfunction, our bills are paid on time and it doesn’t break our legs, we can afford next year’s rent, no one fucking bothers me anymore.

Life is good. Like really good.

So why is it that every day my head is filled with stupid bullshit?! Oh yeah, because of social media.

I came in this blog space speaking of how we should be taking actions to regulate minors online (by blocking them) since they can’t self-regulate and it’s time I put my big girl pants and regulate myself too. Social media has been poisoning me. When all indicators in my life point that I should have space for creativity, peace and optimism, the content in these apps, the comments, the takes——everything——it’s costing me more than I’m willing to pay now.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom first thing in the morning and I didn’t have any apps on my phone so I literally just stared at my door handle and you know what, it was great. I can’t remember the last time I pooped and I was completely present. I actually felt my bowel movements.

I grew up with no internet, and when we finally had it we had to log into a computer in order to surf the web. SURF THE WEB. Who even says that anymore except us milennials and gen x’s? But there you go. Still and all——I find myself automatically looking for the apps on my phone.

I’m struggling to read books (not even fanfiction is doing for me), I don’t want to play any games, the world of my novel feels far away from me and having ADHD on top of that doesn’t help. Social media addiction makes it worse, I feel like my IQ has dropped like 20 points——I’m not even joking.

In response to feeling like a complete moron, today I played Scrabble online for 45min, and take a guess. It was great too. I think I’ll do it again tomorrow, and the day after, and after that one too.